‘My mum won’t let me pay for anything’

Money Manners is Honey Money’s weekly column that deals with money etiquette matters that can be the cause of many an awkward encounter.
Submit your Money Manners questions to Jo Abi at [email protected]
This week’s question comes via a 9honey reader who is facing an unusual dilemma with her mother.
I went through a painful divorce five years ago and my parents helped me out financially at the time. They actually lent me $20,000 in total and I had plans to pay them back but they said not to, which to be honest was a huge relief.
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But I’m okay now, and have been for a while. My ex and I share two children and we were in court for a long time and co-parent now. I am back at work full-time and I get an OK amount of child support.
My weird dilemma is that my mum and I have lunch once a week and she never lets me pay for it. It shouldn’t be a problem, right? Except it makes me feel like a charity case.
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One week I insisted on paying and found a $50 note in my handbag that my mum had put in there. I don’t want to stop spending time with my mum but I just wish we could take turns paying. It would certainly help with my digestion.
And I’m 32, not 12!
Oh your sweet mama picking up the tab every week. She loves you and I’m sure she would be horrified to hear that she was making you feel like a charity case.
Put yourself in her shoes. You may be 32 but you will always, always be her baby and watching you suffer through a painful divorce would have been terrible for her. Paying for lunch probably makes her feel better about this.
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Maybe you can think about it from her perspective to help you feel better about it. Just say to yourself, ‘I’m so lucky to have a mum who loves me so much,’ and, ‘I’m so happy Mum feels so much better when she pays.’
And you can always reciprocate in different ways, with gifts for things she needs, dinners every month or so.
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She must be so proud to see how well you are doing, and you know you are not a charity case so try and let go of that feeling. After all, what’s family for if not to look after each other.
Plus, as someone with older parents, I can assure you that your time will come when you get to return the favour with helping to care for them, something I still treasure.
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